Jeremiah Smallchild and Gideon Lamb eagerly offered today’s Swarthmore students advice about living a clean, chaste life.

Q: Why is it important to maintain your virginity as a college student?
Jeremiah: It’s actually not important to maintain your virginity as a college student. It’s just important to maintain your virginity until you’re married!
Gideon: So if you want to get married before you go to college, that’s fine. Just be warned that you may have difficulty setting aside proper time for your midterms once you start having babies.

Q: Even if they maintain their virginity, college students are going to want to date. Can you suggest some activities that can help them avoid being overcome by their desires while on a date?
Gideon: There are literally almost a dozen ways you can distract yourself from your sexual desires when dating. We cover this topic pretty extensively in our book—some of the activities a young couple on a date can do include talking to each other about past temptation and how you overcame it …
Jeremiah: You can make butter sculptures …
Gideon: Go looking for stray cats and baptize them …
Jeremiah: Meet each other’s pastors … The possibilities are nearly endless!
Gideon: Though they generally end at around eleven.

Q: Is it OK to hook up with someone if one or both of you have been drinking? Why/why not?
Jeremiah: Goodness no! It’s wrong to “hook up” with someone—and it’s wrong to drink!
Gideon: This is one of the few times that a double negative does not equal a positive.
Jeremiah: Drinking is a really dangerous situation regardless of what behavior you’re engaging in.
Gideon: Many of the Youth don’t know this, but alcohol is actually a drug (in liquid form). So teens, ask yourselves: Would I hook up with someone if I were high on drugs?
Jeremiah: The answer, obviously, is no, unless you want to get pregnant and go to jail. And maybe die.
Gideon: And then go to Hell.